Becky’s Barf

So, I read this part of my biology textbook a long time ago (its in chapter one so it must have been at the begingin of the year) and it cracked me up, so I thought I’d share.

Emergent properties are neither supernatural nor unique to life. We can see the importance of arrangement in the distinction between a box of bicycle parts and a working bicycle.

Its talking about living parts or systems that will not function if they are not together in a specific pattern: like how vein structures are useless without a heart and blood, or how flagelum will not move unless specific molecules are in a specific pattern and activated a certain way.  Since these parts do not function separately, natural selection would not have kept them around separately, nor can natural selection explain how even the small parts would arise spontaneously, so from a naturalistic world view these systems with emergent properties must have just appeared all at once.

The funny part is that their example for how this is not supernatural is a bicycle.  The last time I checked, if you leave a box of bicycle parts in your garage, they will not turn into a working bicycle.  They might rust by themselves, but unless an intellegent being puts them together, they will never function as a bicycle.

They’re other example in the following sentence was the emergent properties of the crystal structure of a diamond and how this is different from the non-structure of loose carbon atoms or coal.  They know how carbon atoms become diamonds (at least, I think ”they“  know the process), but I know that they don’t really know how life came to occur, which is immensely more complicated and also completely unrelated to diamonds.

Basically, It’s really hard to prove that a supernatural occurence is not supernatural.

So, I just got back from the excomincating meeting, where we ended up talking about persecution, and Keith asked everybody if we were afraid.

And at first I was like, well, yeah, I’m afraid of everything.

But then I thought, no, if I was actually called into the principle’s office or arrested or something just for outreaching or loving somebody or being a christian, I’d be cool with that.  Getting a ticket or actually doing something wrong would freak me out, but knowing that I’m doing the right thing would make it okay.

And then I was like, why am I okay with being directly persecuted, but not willing to be a little embarrassed or inconvenienced by working up the courage to outreach.  It’s not even like I think my friends are going to be mad at me; most of them are super sweet even if they’re not saved.  I think I’m just afraid to fail.

Like Kalie was witnessing to Chloe’s friend Sarah at CT yesterday, and Sarah was totally into getting a closer relationship with God, and was talking about maybe coming around more, and mentioned that she had a problem really knowing that God is there listening or existing sometimes, and I was going to mention some of the apologetics books I’ve read, like Lee Strobel’s or The Faith that Makes Sense, because that really helped me, but then I was like, Oh, Kalie’s got this, and I didn’t say anything.  And its not really that big of a deal, but I do this all the time.  And its not even that I just think leaders are better at talking to people or something, because I seem to be convinced that everybody can do a better job than me at relating in general, so I just don’t do anything so I won’t get in their way.

And its so frustrating, because I won’t even beleive that I had a valid point until a while later when its way to late and then I’m like crap, why didn’t I say anything?!! 

And I know in my mind that I’ve got the holy spirit and so I shouln’t/don’t have to rely on my own relational skills/lack of skills, but I still keep thinking this way.

aaarg!

So, I’m sure most of you know I have homework stuffs to do this summer.  Or had, anyway.  There’s only like, less than 48 hours until school starts.  But I think I can finish it.  My essay is about 1/3 done, so I might have to bs the ending a little, but so far it’s turning out halfway decent.  Anyway, I wanted to blog my favorite part of Crime and Punishment, because even though i tried, I couldn’t get this whole quote to fit into my paper.  It would’ve taken up an entire page or several.

He dreamt that the whole world was condemned to a terrible new strange plague that had come to Europe from the depths of Asia.  All were to be destroyed except a very few chosen.  Some new sorts of microbes were attacking the bodies of men, but these microbes were endowed with intelligence and will.  Men attacked by them  became at once mad and furious.  But never had men considered themselves so intellectual and so completely in possession of the truth as these sufferers, never had they considered their decisions, their scientific conclusions, their moral convictions so infallible.  Whole villages, whole towns and peoples went mad from the infection.  All were excited and did not understand one another.  Each thought that he alone had the truth and was wretched looking at the others, beat himself on the breast and, wept, and wrung his hands.  They did not know how to judge and could not agree what to consider evil and what good; they did not know whom to blame, whom to justify.  Men killed each other in a sort of senseless spite.  They gathered armies against one another, but even on the march the armies wouls begin attacking each other, the ranks would be broken and the soldiers would fall on each other, stabbing and cutting, biting and devouring each other.  The alarm bell was ringing all day long in towns; men rushed together, but why they were summoned and who was summoning them no one knew.  The most ordinary trades were abandoned because everyone proposed his own ideas, his own improvements, and they could not agree.  The land too was abandoned.  Men met in groups, agreed on something, swore to keep together, but at once began on something quite different from what they had proposed.  They accused one another, fought and killed each other.  There were conflagrations and famine.  All men and all things were involved in destruction.  The plague spread and moved farther and farther.  Only a few men could be saved in the whole world.  They were a pure chosen people, destined to found a new race and a new life, to renew and purify the earth, but no one had seen these men, no one had heard their words and their voices.   

Ok, so it sound really trippy when out of context.  Very 28 Days Later.  But for real.  The main guy, who’s having this dream, Raskolnikov, has this idea that there are two types of people in the world: the great and powerful and awesome, and everybody else.  So then he decides that he is destined for greatness, and so no rules apply to him.  After all, didn’t Napoleon kill a bunch of people and mess up everything, but everybody loves him anyway?  Because he’s so flipping awesome?  So Raskolnikov is all contemptuous of everybody he encounters, which is really funny since he’s just a punk who who ran out of money to take classes at the university, and can’t even pay rent or anything.  So he kills a little old lady with an axe to get her money, and get started on his path to greatness.  That’s basically how the book goes.

I just thought this was a cool paragraph.  It’s like I said, a little tripped out, because Raskolnikov is basically delerious through most of the novel, but it’s totally him changing his mind and deciding that there are ne naturally “great” people (”no one had seen these men”) and that if everybody just decided that they were the shit, then everything would fall apart.  It’s like an anti-postmodern world.

Oh, I also had to read Native Son by Richard Wright, and it was really good.  You should read it.

I can’t sleep anymore, it’s freaking ridiculous.

This is the worst time in the whole year, the last few weeks of summer.  I just get the worst feeling, like I have to make the most of it, and then I get so stressed out about having fun that I’m more miserable than I am normally.  Plus I’m totally freaking out about my summer reading essay/report things.  Actually, I’m kind of just minorly freaking out, but it’s still a bummer.  I just can’t seem to find the time to work on it, even though I have tons of free time in which to do it.  Seriously.

Regret is a bad feeling too.  This is coming across really depressing, but that’s totally just because it’s 12:15 and I’d rather be sleeping.  But i can’t.

Really though, I’ve been having a thought–regret is the worst emotion ever.  Unless you want to count, like, stress or physical pain.  Because when you’re angy, you totally get to blame somebody or something else.  And everybody kind of likes to be sad.  Well, maybe just mels or something, but at least you get to be the victim, and it’s not your fault.  But when you’re regretful, it’s pretty much always your own fault, and there’s nothing you can do about it, because whatever it is has already happened.   

No, I didn’t forget to go.  I was totally there. And it ruled.  

I just read one of kalie’s blogs, and first i was like “that was a flippin sweet blog!” and then I was like, I should write one on XSI, while I’m here, talking about things that impact my life…

Anyway, people (like Keith) keep asking me what I was convicted about and I keep responding with some sort of equivilent to “Duhunh???” (like that time I was talking to Keith and sounded like a complete retard).  So basically I want to remedy the situation, for the sake of my pride.

Because I was so convicted!  I just write better than I talk when I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to say.

First, it was good to learn more about postmodernism and the emergent church, so that I can both use it to understand the world and know what the hell people are talking about when they say things like “postmodernism” and “the emergent church”. 

I also came away knowing that I need to step it up and become at least sort of a leader in word.  I mean, I’m going to be a senior.  My lack of activity is borderline ridiculous. 

I couldn’t really tell you why this was what I got out of XSI, because it’s not really what the most impactful teachings were about, but I just really need to get some confidence.  I’ve had this attitude that I don’t need to do anything because I’m not “qualified”.  Just following Adi’s example in every little thing, and if there’s word girls having troubles I’d look to the “more mature people” to take care of it, and taking everything people would say as fact even if it didn’t seem right, and just thinking that doing whatever the people I looked up to did was right, even if t wasn’t?  am i even making sense?

So, I gues I was also or as part of that convicted to built a relationship with some of the girls in word and stuff.  because i really only hang out with Adi.

Which is sweet, I love hangin with Adi.

I just mean to say that I am reasonably intellegant and should stop pretending otherwise and dependong so heavily on everybody else.

Okay, so i typed it out and read it again and still sound like a retard, but I don’t know what else to say.

Plus it’s midnight, and I got back from cedar point like two hours ago, and i’m really tired.  so i’m going to go to sleep now.

most of my blogs thus far have been reasonably thought out, with a specific point which i may or may not have successfully conveyed. this one, however, is truly barf. i just have kinda a lot on my mind, and no one category to put it in.

like, i had all these cool ideas for blogs. like how Narnia (the new one mostly, with that ben barnes guy in it. sigh. jk.) has some serious biblical parallels. i mean, i know what’s-his-face that wrote the whole narnia series put tons of biblical parallels in the books, but with that movie all of them came through onscreen the way they didn’t for the first one. but i’m to lazy to remember specifics, so you all should just watch the movie. it was sweet. especially if you’re a girl. or at least gay enough to appreciate prince caspian. just kidding justin

and i had some other idea that only remember vaguely about connecting the bible with Lost. the tv show. something about how they really wanted to get off the island, and now they really want to get back on it, and the island represents God or something…i dunno, it made sense at the time, but now i cant remember, so i’ll just move on.

geez, i hope i’ll be able to post this. i’ve been having computer problems of late, and if i type all this up and then lose it, i’m gonna lose it.

wow, you can’t do italics here. that sucks.

if you’re still reading this, congratulations. i respect your perseverance. you must really love me.

So, on to the things that have been on my mind. Burger King called me back, and i scheduled an interview. not the nice bk on norton by my house, but the crappy bk on graham by the high school. i’ve been job hunting for forever, but i’m starting to have second thoughts. i mean, burger king? i don’t want to work at burger king. and minimum wage is what, $7.25? which i thought was a lot at first. i had previously been under the impression it was 4 something. but then i got to thinking. what is an hour of my life really worth? seriously, $7.25? i’m never going to get that hour back. or the hur after it. plus, my mom’s paying me like 40 bucks a week to babysit kate, which pretty much means make lunch and play monopoly every once in awhile, and clean the house. that’s enough for gas and then some. right?

but that’ll stop when summer’s over, and i’m gonna need money for college and senior year gas money, since I HAVE A CAR NOW! plus, i REALLY like to buy things. like clothes. and a new bikini. and some more fish. so i don’t know. maybe i’ll take the job. i mean hell, they haven’t even offered it to me yet.

did you notice i figured out that i can use CAPITAL LETTERS instead of italics?

oh, and Alexandra works at that bk. i haven’t talked to her since fourth grade. she’s a little scary now. but then again, everybody kinda scares me.

let’s see, what else…oh yeah, my summer reading shits. it sucks. i haven’t actually started doing it yet, but i have to read a bunch of chapters of the bio textbook and do a report, and read two books for english and write a paper. so now everytime i lounge around and read a fun book or watch tv or blog or something, i feel guilty for not doing my summer reading. and basic doctrine. i do NOT have this week’s new verses down. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

and i feel like i haven’t hung out with people in forever, which i ALSO feel guilty about…wow, i really miss italics, caps make me sound way more freaked out than i actually am. i can’t even call us wordies since half the people i’m talking about have graduated…it’s only been a few days, i’ll just call people tomorrow. hey basic’s tomorrow! i’ll just fail a quiz with some people, that’s a bonding experience, right?

no, i don’t really think i’ll fail. i’ll probobly get like a B. but that still sucks. i get A’s all through stupid school stuff, but i can’t pull together an A for GOD.

i guess that’s it. hopefully i don’t come across as too depressed. i’m so much more optimistic in the morning. which is weird, because i’ve never thought of myself as a morning person. if i’m not a morning OR night person, does that make me not a person?

hah.

So, Memorial Day Word Retreat.  Good times.

Seriously though, I had so much fun, which was sweet, cause i’ve really felt kinda…not having fun lately.  I guess I could say “weighed down” or something so I sound marginally intelegant.  But anyway, I just wanted to blog about it.

Mostly Joel’s teaching.  Because it was totally sweet.  I’d been thinking a lot about how many people are truly christian in since I started coming around to Xenos.  I mean, I was a pretty involved and interested church kid before, but I didn’t really get it.  And I know my church wasn’t ridiculously fundy or anything, compared to other ones. 

And then I came to Xenos and I was like, we can’t seriously be the only christian church.  So then I was like, well, maybe the people that show up most of the time are Christian, they just don’t really act like it.  Because otherwise that sucks.

And then Joel came in with this sweet teaching about how we live in the end times and America is post-christianity, and the universities have been won by satan, and now the only places where christianity is growing is in asia and stuff.

You should ask somebody else about it, i’m sure that was a terrible summary.

But anyway, I’d never really been raised to beleive that satan was active in the world.  My church avoids words like “hell” and “saved” like the plague, and angels and the devil are more like symbols, and everything is right in the world.  Which is such crap.

So knowing the truth is refreshing, to not have to make crazy excuses in my head for everybody.  And I’m really excited about ministry.  I still suck at it, but I really don’t have a whole lot to lose, I suppose.  And so much to gain.

Wow, that sounded really gay just there.  But I don’t feel like trying to find a better way to word it. 

Also, the whole urgency to build into the colleges will really help me convince my dad that I want to go to U of Akron for more important reasons than to be with justin.  Honestly, I’m kina offended that that’s what my parents think of me (we’re totally still in high school, I am anyway, I’m not gonna change my whole life around), but in their defense I haven’t really been very good at articulating why it’s so important to me to stay close to my friends.  I want to help out with ministry, even if I’m not all that great at it.  Because it’s important. 

Yup.  So that’s it.

So, how ’bout that teaching on saturday?  Pretty sweet, right?

I just wanted to write about how Keith said some people are afraid to beleive in complete grace because then people could do whatever they wanted.  And  I can understand that, wanting to draw lines so that your sins are forgiveable, but that ther guy is so going to hell, because he’s really messed up.  But it is so cool that God doesn’t work like that.  Because that logic doesn’t even make sense.  Everybody is a little hypocritical.  I know lots of times I’ve looked at somebody and been like, “Damn, I’m glad I’ll never be the one to fail an easy math test, that guy’s retarded” and then the very next period I’ll totally get a zero on an english test because I forgot to read the book.  Imagine if God kept changing his standars like that for everybody, it’d be so ridiculously confusing all the time to figure out what’s right and what’s okay and what is unacceptable.

But God doesn’t do that, he considers all sin wrong, because sin, by definition, is wrong.  James 2:10 states that “Whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at one point, he has become guilty of all.”  So instead of changing morality all the time on a whim, and instead of holding everybody accountable for impossible standards, God sent Jesus to save us from all our sins once and for all, no matter what.

Which is cool, because, obviosly, we get to go to heaven.  Which will be sweet.  But also, I HATE to be told what to do.  I can sometimes hide it better than others, but if you order me around I literally want to kill you right there.

Okay, that’s not completely true all the time.  Mostly micromanaging the specific way I do things, or if I already know I should do something or planned on doing it later, that drives me nuts.  I can be on my way upstairs to clean my room and my mom will be like, “Becky clean your room,” and i immediately would rather do anything than clean my room.

Or if Adi, being a the loving sister in christ that she is, points out that I’m being retarded and not outreaching or even like building relationships with anybody, I just get pissed.  Which is ridiculous.  I know I ahould, and I want to, and I even know that I’ll never go out and be social without being told, the Pleg that I am, but I still get angry.

Well, the point is, that God doesn’t really give orders.  I mean, he does, the whole “make disciples of all the nations” and “love one another as I have loved you” are pretty clear, but we, as christians, are motivated by love and gratitude to do those things, by by fears or because we’re forced to.  Which is pretty sweet.  Like, even if we decide to cave up and be tribal forever, God would still accept us, because that sin is just as bad as a little white lie or murder is.  And I’m just grateful that we’re not forced to do anything, because then I wouldn’t even want to anymore.

I don’t really know if that’s going to make sense to anybody, or if I’m just making stuff up, but that’s what I got.      

so, today was the senior’s last day, which you wouldn’t think would be such a big deal, since i am, in fact, a junior.  nevertheless, i swear four or five different people asked me if was going to cry.

and at first i was like, “um, no?”   because i didn’t really get it.  why would i cry?  i don’t really know that many seniors.  and if they meant next year, if i would cry when we left to go to college, it wasn’t like i would be all alone.

and that’s when i realized how totally awesome being in the body of christ is here with you guys.  all through middle school and even up through a little of freshman year, i couldn’t wait to go away to college.  way away.  so i could totally start over, and be somewhat socially acceptable, you know?  but now that leaving is coming up so soon, i can’t imagine having to start over, and be all alone.  and that’s why it’s so cool that i know the xenoids–i won’t have to go away all by myself and figure out what to do with my life.  I already know.  i’ll still have adi and justin and mike and anele and, you know, all ya’ll here for me. 

and purpose.  that’s always a good thing to have.

so i just thought i’d write a little blog about how much everybody here means to me, cause i’d be so damn scared and lonely without you.

So, I’m reading A Farewell to Arms in my English class.  Actually, I was reading it just now, and then decided I’d rather blog about it than read it.

Because, let’s be honest, even good books kinda suck if you’re forced to read them, and A Farewell to Arms is not a good book.

I’m not saying it’s not mildly entertaining, or that I don’t see why it’s a classic, and I’m not one of those people that say they hate every book assigned for school just so they have something to complain about.  In fact, I love to read, everything, all the time, as those of you who know me have probably gathered, and I loved A Separate Peace, the book we just finished in class.  But A Farewell to Arms bothers me, and not just because of the weird sentence structure. 

The characters are just so lost, and they know it, but they just don’t care.  They’re totally ok with it.  Frederick and Catherine sleep together with no intention of marrying, unacceptable in WWI time period, but decide that it’s ok because they consider themselves married.  Frederick shoots a sergeant in the back as the man tries to desert the Italian army, but then deserts the army himself in the very next chapter, and has no guilt because he has arbitrarily decided that his actions are morally acceptable.  They give no thought to their unborn child, except to consider how much easier life would be without it.  Catherine forgets her past fiancé so shortly after his death, mourning him only long enough to consider cutting off her hair, and then hooks up with Frederick; reasoning that he doesn’t matter anymore: her fiancé is dead, in a final sort of way, since she absolutely rejects the possibility of an afterlife.  She feels she must live an animated, pleasurable life, according to her own rules, before dying herself. 

This, I’m told, fits into the philosophy of existentialism.  Which I found interesting, once I Wikipedia-ed it.  Sort of its own brand of atheism, existentialists believe only in existence.  According to whatever random guy in his basement edited this particular section of Wikipedia, “Existentialism generally postulates that the absence of a transcendent force (such as God) means that the individual is entirely free, and, therefore, ultimately responsible. It is up to humans to create an ethos of personal responsibility outside any branded belief system. In existentialist views, personal articulation of being is the only way to rise above humanity’s absurd condition of much suffering and inevitable death.”  So basically, they’ve noticed that without God there is no basis for morals, and people are just sad, hopeless little specks in eternity, random atoms pulled together by chance and here for only a ridiculously short time—but they don’t care.

That totally blew my mind.  I had never really thought about the consequences a Godless universe until Diana read Case for a Creator with me, but then when I did I was like “wow, atheists really haven’t thought this through, have they?”  But this is a group of people that have thoroughly considered that without a higher power there is no basis for morality, that people could do whatever will make them feel good until they die, and then have that be the end.  And, I repeat, they’re ok with that.  It’s crazy.

Anyway, I don’t really remember where else I was going with this blog.  I feel like there’s more I was going to say, but I don’t remember what it was.  Plus, it’s late I still have to finish like four more chapter of this stupid book for tomorrow, so I’m just gonna call this good enough.